Dude, Where's My Vulcan?
by SapSorrow
Summary: Very silly short fic. Kirk is drunk and has lost his favorite Vulcan. Established Spirk. Crackfic!


**Dude, where's my Vulcan? **

Jim Kirk was drunk.

Very drunk.

He staggered out of the rec room desperately wanting to snuggle Spock and possibly engage in sloppy drunken kisses.

"Keptin on ze….bridge!" announced Chekov, a little pre- emptively, as Kirk collapsed half in, half out of the door and Sulu took photos for later humiliation.

Kirk stared blearily around him but saw no sign of Spock. He blinked. Lots.

"Duuuuuude –" he announced to the room at last – "Where's my Vulcan?"

Everyone looked at him, smiling benignly at the prostrate captain.

"Uhura –" he started, but struggled to finish – "Uhurarurarurara –" he giggled – "Have you seen my Vulcan?"

"Your – Vulcan – Captain?" managed Uhura, struggling to keep a straight face.

"You are referring to Commander Spock Keptin?" said Chekov.

"Thash right!" whooped Kirk, waggling a happy finger at Chekov – "Shpock! Shpocky Shpockywockywokwok – my liddle Vulcan person – Chekov have you seen my Vulcan?"

"Er - no Keptin" said Chekov, who had, he just wanted this to carry on.

"Oh" Kirk was crestfallen – "Shulu!" he tried, regathering himself and turning to the pilot, beaming and standing up, wobbling like mad until the rest of the crew felt like they were drunk too.

"Sulu –" continued Kirk, making a terrifying lunge in that direction that made Sulu fear for his life and Chekov shield the helm with his whole self for fear the lurching Captain tumble the whole ship off her course.

"Sulu have you seen a Vulcan?" Tried Kirk – "Stringy thing, pointy ears –" he waggled his hands at his ears for emphasis – "S'about thish big" he gestured wildly, implying that Spock was roughly the size of a garden gnome.

"No Captain" said Sulu, poker faced – "Maybe you should try med bay."

Kirk beamed like the moon;

"Thanksh Shulululululu – you're a pal!" He swerved off the bridge. Sulu turned round to his giggling crewmates and shrugged-

"Can't let Bones miss this one!"

Uhura raised her eyebrows –

"What a treat for him!"

_x_

Kirk stumbled into med bay.

"Bonesh!" he whooped, grabbing the non- plussed doctor and smiling into his face –

"Boney woney woo woos – you're – my – friend!" he yodelled, pleased with himself. Bones grimaced and tried to detach clingy Kirk."

"Generally Jim I would have to agree – are you drunk?"

"I'm jusht a l'il bit tiddly –" slurred Jim, falling over again. Bones did not want a puddle of Captain in his med bay and hauled him to his feet. Jim clung to him, grinning, his eyes big and fond –

"I love you Bonesh you know that? You're my besht friend –" He smiled and swayed until Bones felt seasick –

"Oh brother"

"No Bonesh nononono – not brother jusht friend – good friend – but not shex friend like Shpock –"

"Oh dear god"

"-Jusht good platononical doctor friend!" He beamed.

"Jim, is it too much to ask why you're here? And stop clinging to me! Damnit man I'm a doctor not a hand rail!"

"Shorry Bonesh I'm…." Kirk went quiet for a full two minutes, staring disconcertingly at Bones as he did so – "I'm looking….for….my…..VULCAN!"he yelled triumphantly – "Thassit! Niiiichhh little Vulcan named Spockeh! Liiiike it! Want to shqueeeze it an' hug it an'….an'…."

"Damnit man I don't want to know!" cried Bones – "If Spock's got any sense he's as far away from you as he can be!"

"SHPOCKEEEE!" wailed Kirk, deafening the doctor – "WANT MY SHPOCKEE BONES GIMME!"

"Now listen here Jim –" Bones began, but Kirk began to cry like a baby so instead he patted him awkwardly on the shoulder – "There there Jim-" he sighed, rolling his eyes – "You'll find him, now I must get on with my tribble experiments" he indicated a great pile of tribbles that he had been examining . Kirk brightened instantly –

"TRIBBLES!" he whooped – "I love tribbles!" he lunged for the tribbles and grabbed a large fat one. Bones took it off him gently before he decided to squeeze it. He let Kirk stroke it gently – under supervision – "Good tribble –" he babbled – "Niiiiich tribble soffft tribble bibble bibble – liiiiiike it!"

"Now do you want to find that Vulcan of yours Jim?"

"Yesh!" cried Jim with renewed energy – "Goin' now, thanksh Bonesh…friend…doctor…."

When Kirk had staggered out Bones sat down, talking to his pet tribble –

"I don't know about you Pointy, but I almost feel bad for that green blooded hobgoblin."

_x_

Kirk staggered down the corridor singing a tuneless little song to himself –

"Lookin' for my Vulcan, lookin' for my Spock, cause my Spocky loves me la la la".

He cried when there was no Vulcan in Spock's room.

He cursed when there was no Vulcan in the closet.

He yelled when there was no Vulcan stuffed up the food dispenser hatch.

He wailed when there was no Vulcan in engineering and berated his chief engineer heartily for being called Scotty and not Spocky.

"Scotty" he said, getting tired now – "Have you seen my Vulcan?"

"I have nae seen him captain" sighed Scotty, a little gone himself –"But you look like you need a wee lie down – I know I'm gonna." He promptly fell down.

_x_

Dejected, Kirk finally made it through his bedroom door to find ….

Spock. Sitting patiently on the side of the bed.

"SHPOCKEEE!" he yelled, joyously, throwing himself at the suddenly terrified Vulcan – "where have you been Spocky? Spocky I looked everywhere for you! Oh Spocky never leave me again ashayayayamayam"

Spock made a genuine grimace and raised an uncertain hand to do….something – anything with this bewildering human that he loved but instead managed only –

"Captain perhaps you should not attempt to speak Vulcan when intoxicated"

Kirk clung to him like a limpet –

"Spocky I miiiissed you, I was all alone and no little Vulcan for me! Waaaaah!" he wailed, bursting into loud wet tears. Spock patted him very slowly on the head –

"I was here Jim – I told you when I got off shift that I would meet you here when you had had, as you put it "A drink or two with Mr Scott". I was unaware that in human parlance this means numerous alcoholic beverages. You will forgive me Jim if I believe that this shows an illogical degree of disnumeracy."

"Spockeh –" Kirk gazed up at him adoringly, not wailing any more – "Spockeh I love you but all I can hear is blah blah blah"

"I do not understand captain, do you need to see the doctor to get your ears tested?"

"Oh Spocky shut up, Spocky I do love you, do you love me? Spocky I'm sooooo happy! Oh poor Spocky have you been waiting for me long?"

"Indeed Jim, I waited for precisely two hours and twenty three minutes before you rang in to say that you would be here in exactly two minutes to do "Horrific, delightful, also disgusting things" to my person." I then waited an hour and forty six minutes. I love you too. Also please stop calling me Spocky."

"Dishgushting thingsh eh?" slurred Kirk, trying to smile charmingly and looking like he got concussed.

"Indeed captain –" said Spock, arching an eyebrow – "I believe therein you have described yourself most adequately."

"Spocky you did an insult!" Kirk was delighted, "I'm mosht definitely not dishgushting though, I'm veeery capable and I'm gonna …." He fell asleep in Spock's lap and started snoring.

Having anticipated this outcome Spock effectively undressed the prone captain and put him to bed. Curling in around him he kissed his sleeping, slightly pungent head and wondered if he would ever understand.


End file.
